金星人与火星人双语阅读09：男性和女性爱的动力是不同的

【读你所爱，滋润你的心灵；顺便掌握英语，打开你的第三只眼】

"当男性觉得有人需要他们的帮助时，他们的动力和能力就都会被激发出来。当男性在感情关系中觉得自己不被伴侣需要时，他就会逐渐变得被动和懒惰起来，而且他对于这段感情关系的付出也会日渐减少。而反过来，当他觉得伴侣信任自己，相信自己是在尽最大努力让伴侣心满意足，而且伴侣也会感激自己的付出时，男性的潜能就会爆发出来，他就会付出得更多。

而女性则与金星人一样，当她们感受到有人珍惜自己的时候，她们的动力和能力也都会被激发起来。当女性在感情关系中感觉自己不被伴侣珍惜时，她就逐渐会以强迫症的方式迫使自己承担责任，并因为自己的过度付出感到精疲力竭。反过来，当女性感到自己被伴侣关爱和尊重时，她就会感到心满意足，也就会付出得更多。"

“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.”

【本节导读】

我不是婚姻情感的专家，我只是在读到了《金星人与火星人》系列书籍以后，学到了以前从来没有人教过我的东西。这本书也不是完全就能解释或者解决我们婚姻情感中的一切问题，毕竟不同的文化对于什么是完美的婚姻也有不同的理解。如果说它能对我们有所帮助的话，我认为是它对于男性与女性在心理上的不同精神需求的描述至少让我非常认同。我们的确在生活中太多的时候将自己的需求也当作是伴侣的需求，从而产生了“我为你做了这么多，为什么却好心没有好报”的抱怨。这本书还针对许多感情冲突进行了案例诊断，从双方的角度解释这些冲突的误解根源，并给出许多非常实际的解决建议。最后，这本书还让我们懂得，婚姻关系中有一些问题是永远无法解决的，如性格差异和思想习惯差异等。我们真正应该学习的是用怎样的方式才能与这些问题和平共处。

我之所以将这本书重译，是因为我相信目前的中译本，是许多人看不懂的。并不是说目前的中译本就不好，还是因为许多在英语中具有心理学或是情感方面的专门意义的词汇，在译成中文以后是没有这样的专门意义的，或者说是难以让我们理解其细微含义的（有中文译本的读者可以将译本和我本节的翻译对比，你们会发现一些显著的不同译法）。比如，此书中的Feel一词，在描述女性时，更多是指女性的情感感受，而在描述男性时，会更偏向于男性的理性猜测。尤其是在描述男性思想时，会直接用“reason”一词，而男性的这种reason并不是说男人多么讲道理，更多的是一种男性逻辑而已，所以我会把男性的“feel”翻译成“觉得”，男性的“reason”翻译成男性“认为”。

我之所以希望读者能同时阅读两种语言，是因为即使我怎样努力，很多时候中文依旧不能够准确地表达原文的思想，因为对于婚姻和情感的心理学研究和相关专业用语是没有本土配套的专业词汇和概念的。其次，有一些原文翻译成中文后，是不符合我们互联网的中文文明用语规范的，我只好把一些原文译成文明用语，这样也会造成读者看不懂。最后，我们常常喜欢快餐似的直接总结出别人的一些“经典语录”，就认为自己全都明白了。而经典语录其实是作者通过对问题的反复思考而实现的最终领悟。如果我们只是熟读这些经典语录，却不能与作者一起去体验思考的过程，语录至多只是“很有道理”的鸡汤罢了，它永远不能成为我们自己的生活领悟。

所以有一种阅读，叫做【读你所爱，滋润你的心灵；掌握英语，打开你的第三只眼】。

如果你只是对中文阅读感兴趣，阅读中文也一定会有所收获的。请直接跳过【刘博士英语突破学习法】的内容。

【刘博士英语突破学习法】：阅读——听读——跟读。

1） 如果你的英语学习重点是阅读突破，那么在理解中文译文内容后，请转向英语文本的阅读，你会发现英语没有想象的那么难。请在合适的时候转向直接阅读英语原文。英语阅读突破是一个自然的过程。当你习惯了无需中文辅助的英语阅读时，你就会自己知道你是否取得了阅读的突破。

2） 如果你的英语突破重点还包括口语和听力。请在熟读英语原文以后，开始跟着音频跟读和听读，直到可以完整的跟读和听读理解为止。

3） 以口语为突破的学习者，请跟读音频练习，直到你无需文本资料也可以自然流利跟读为止。

4） 以听力为突破的学习者，请看着文本资料听读音频，直到你无需文本也可以自然听懂为止。

【刘博士译文】

金星人与火星人09

两性的动力是如何产生的？

在火星人和金星人相遇前的几个世纪里，他们一直在各自的星球上生活得很快乐。然后有一天，一切都变了。火星人和金星人在他们各自的星球上都突然变得情绪低落起来。然而，正是这种低落的情绪才使他们有动力最终走到了一起。

了解了异性各自转变的秘密有助于我们在今天更好地认识到，男性动力的源泉与女性有何不同。当你有了这种新认识以后，你就能够更好地用它来帮助你的伴侣，同时你也能在有困难和压力时获得你所需要的帮助。让我们穿越时空回到过去，想象我们能够看得见在火星上和金星上发生的事儿吧。

当火星人全都变得情绪低落时，火星上的每个人都离开了城市，躲进了他们的私人领地并呆了很长一段时间。他们深陷其中，不能自拔。直到有一天，一个火星人碰巧用望远镜瞥见了美丽的金星人。当他让其他火星人也通过望远镜，目睹了这些美丽的金星人类后，火星人的热情被激发起来了，他们的沮丧情绪也奇迹般地消失了。突然间，他们觉得有人需要他们（的帮助）。他们于是走出了私人空间，并开始建造一支宇宙飞船舰队飞往金星。

当金星人变得情绪低落时，为了让自己的情绪好转起来，她们组成了各种圈子，开始向彼此倾诉她们的不快。但这一做法似乎并没有缓解她们低落的情绪。他们抑郁了很长一段时间，直到她们通过直觉，看见了一个幻象：一个强壮而神奇的人种（火星人）将会穿越宇宙来爱她们、服务于她们并帮助她们。突然间，他们感到有人珍惜她们了。当金星人彼此分享这种幻象时，他们的低落情绪也不见了，他们开始高高兴兴地为火星人的到来做准备。

这些关于两性动力产生的秘密在今天仍旧适用。当男性觉得有人需要他们帮助的时候，他们的动力和能力就都会被激发出来。当男性在感情关系中觉得自己不被伴侣需要时，他就会逐渐变得被动和懒惰起来，而且他对于这段感情关系的付出也会日渐减少。而反过来，当他觉得伴侣信任自己，相信自己是在尽最大努力让伴侣心满意足，而且伴侣也会感激自己的付出时，男性的潜能就会爆发出来，他就会付出得更多。

而女性则与金星人一样，当她们感受到有人珍惜自己的时候，她们的动力和能力也都会被激发起来。当女性在感情关系中感觉自己不被伴侣珍惜时，她就逐渐会以强迫症的方式迫使自己承担责任，并因为自己的过度付出感到精疲力竭。反过来，当女性感到自己被伴侣关爱和尊重时，她就会感到心满意足，也就会付出得更多。

当男人爱上女人时

男人爱上女人的情景与第一个火星人刚刚发现金星人的情景相似。那时火星人被困在自己的私人空间里，找不出自己情绪低落的根源。他于是转向用望远镜搜索天空。就在那电光火石的一瞬间，他如同被闪电击中一般，他的生活被永远地改变了。因为他通过望远镜瞥见了一幅用他自己的话来说，是让人震惊的美丽和优雅的景象。

他发现了金星人。他全身的热情像火一样燃烧起来。当他看着金星人时，他平生第一次开始要想关心别人，而不仅仅是关心自己了。仅此一瞥，他的生活就有了全新的意义。他的情绪不再低落了。

火星人有这样一个输/赢哲学——我要的是赢，你输了不关我事。只要每个火星人都只是自顾自的时候，这个公式就一直有效，而且许多个世纪以来也一直是如此。但是现在这个公式需要改变了。仅仅满足自己的需要已经不能再让火星人满意了。恋爱中的火星人希望金星人能和他们一样成为赢家。

今天，在大多数的体育运动中，我们仍能够看到火星人竞争法则的延伸。例如，在打网球的时候，我不仅想赢，还想让我的朋友接不住我的发球，让他输掉。我喜欢赢，即便其代价是让我的朋友输掉我也要赢。

许多火星人的此类态度在我们的生活中仍占有一席之地，但这种输/赢的态度在成年人的人际交往中是有害的。如果我只想满足自己的需要，而不顾及我的伴侣的话，我们肯定会出现不愉快、怨恨和冲突。因此，建立一段成功的感情关系，其秘诀就在于双赢。

异性相吸

当第一个火星人坠入爱河以后，他开始为他的所有火星人兄弟制造望远镜。很快所有的火星人都从低谷中走了出来。其他火星人也开始感觉到了对金星人的爱情。他们开始像关心自己一样关心起金星人来。

奇妙而美丽的金星人对火星人来说具有神秘的吸引力。他们之间的差异尤其让火星人着迷：火星人的性格是坚硬的，而金星人是温柔的。火星人性格有棱有角，而金星人则更加圆润。火星人显得冷冰冰的，而金星人则给人以温暖的感觉。他们之间的差异似乎以一种神奇而完美的方式给彼此互为补充。

金星人无需说出口，她们的邀请却响亮而清晰：“我们需要你们。你们的能力和力量能够带给我们莫大的喜悦，填补我们内心深处的空虚。我们在一起能获得巨大的幸福的。”这一邀请让火星人有了动力，并使其觉得强大无比。

许多女性本能地就知道如何传递这一信息。在一段感情刚开始的时候，一个女人只需给她的意中人一个短短的眼神，就似乎在说，你也许就是那个能让我幸福的人。她就以这种微妙的方式开启了他们的恋爱关系。这个眼神鼓励那个男士向她靠近，这个眼神给他以力量，使他能够克服对恋爱的恐惧。很不幸的是，一旦他们处于恋爱关系当中，当问题开始出现的时候，女性却不知道这个信息对男性来说依旧是如此重要，女性也就忘记了再次传递这个信息了。

火星人现在充满了动力，他们相信自己在金星上能够做出一番与众不同的成就。火星民族开始朝着一个更高的阶段演化。他们不再满足于只是想证明自己和发展自己的技能了。他们想要用自己的能力和技能去服务于他人，尤其是去服务于金星人。他们开始发展出一种新的哲学来，一种双赢的哲学。他们想要创造一个人人都既关心自己又关心他人的世界。

爱是火星人的动力

火星人开始建造一支能够载着他们穿越宇宙到达金星的飞船舰队。他们从未感到如此有活力。只是惊鸿一瞥地看见了金星人，火星人有史以来第一次开始有了一种无私的感情。

同样，当男人开始恋爱时，他也就有了动力，想尽其所能来帮助他人。当男性敞开自己爱的心扉时，他会对自己充满信心，相信自己有能力做出重大改变。一旦他有机会去证明自己的潜能的话，他就会表现出最好的自我来。只有当男性觉得自己成功无望时，他才会退回到过去自私的自我中去。

当男人开始恋爱时，他开始像关心自己一样关心他爱的人。他突然间从以前凡事以自我为中心的束缚中挣脱出来，他变成了一个为他人付出而不求回报的人，他不再是为了个人利益，而就是出于对伴侣的关爱。他体验着伴侣的辛福感，就如同这也是他自己的辛福一样。他能够轻松地承受任何艰难险阻，只为使她快乐，因为伴侣的辛福也能使他快乐。他的奋斗也变得轻松了许多。因为有了更崇高的目标，他精力旺盛。

当男性在青少年的时候，他只要能照顾好自己就会心满意足；然而随着他日渐成熟，他不再满足于这种自我感觉良好了。要想体验成就感，他必须开始一种以爱作为动力的生活。当他在爱的激励下开始慷慨无私地付出时，他就从那种不考虑他人只考虑自我的惰性状态中解放了出来。虽说他依旧需要得到他人的爱，但此时他最大的需要是向他人付出自己的爱。

多数男性不仅仅是渴望付出爱，他们其实是迫切希望付出他们的爱。他们最大的问题是，他们不知道自己渴望的是什么。他们极少看见过自己的父亲通过给与成功地让他们的母亲获得满足感。因此，他们不知道，对于男性来说，其最大的成就感其实是来源于付出的。当他的感情关系遭遇挫折时，他会感到极其沮丧，并把自己困在自己的私人领地里。他不再关爱他的伴侣，他也不知道为什么自己会如此沮丧。

在这种情况下，他会从他的恋爱关系中或是和伴侣的亲密状态中抽身出来，并让自己困在自己的私人空间里。他问自己，这一切到底是为了什么呢？他干嘛要操这个心呢？他不知道的是，他是因为觉得伴侣不再需要自己，他也就停止了对伴侣的关爱。他没有意识到的是，他只要能够找到需要他的人，他就可以摆脱他的低落情绪，并重新获得动力的。

当男性觉得，他不能为伴侣的生活带来积极的变化时，他就难以继续关心伴侣的生活和他们之间的感情关系。当他认为伴侣不需要他的时候，他就很难产生动力。要想使他重新获得动力，他需要感受到伴侣的感激、信任和接纳。对男性来说，这种不再被人需要的感觉无异于慢性自杀。

【英语原文】

Men are From Mars, women are from Venus

How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together they had been quite happy living in their separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians on their respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivated them eventually to come together.

Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men and women are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness you will be better equipped to support your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times. Let"s go back in time and pretend to witness what happened.

When the Martians became depressed, everyone on the planet left the cities and went to their caves for a long time. They were stuck and couldn"t come out, until one day when a Martian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. As he quickly shared his telescope, the sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians, and their depression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their caves and began budding a fleet of spaceships to fly to Venus.

When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better they formed circles and began talking with one another about their problems. But this didn"t seem to relieve the depression. They stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition they experienced a vision. Strong and wondrous beings (the Martians) would be coming across the universe to love, serve, and support them. Suddenly they felt cherished. As they shared their vision their depression lifted, and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians.

These secrets of motivation are still applicable. Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

A man falling in love with a woman is similar to what took place when the first Martian discovered the Venusians. Stuck in his cave and unable to find the source of his depression, he was searching the sky with his telescope. As if he had been struck by lightning, in one glorious moment his life was permanently changed. He had glimpsed through his telescope a vision he described as awesome beauty and grace.

He had discovered the Venusians. His body lit on fire. As he watched the Venusians, for the first time in his life he began to care about someone other than himself. From just one glimpse his life had new meaning. His depression lifted.

Martians have a win/lose philosophy-l want to win, and 1 don"t care if you lose. As long as each Martian took care of himself this formula worked fine. It worked for centuries, but now it needed to be changed. Giving primarily to themselves was no longer as satisfying. Being in love, they wanted the Venusians to win as much as themselves.

In most sports today we can see an extension of this Martian competitive code. For example, in tennis I not only want to win but also try to make my friend lose by making it difficult for him to return my shots. I enjoy winning even though my friend loses.

Most of these Martian attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

Differences Attract

After the first Martian fell in love, he began manufacturing telescopes for all his brother Martians. Very quickly they all came out of their depressions. They too began to feel love for the Venusians. They started to care about the Venusians as much as themselves.

The strange and beautiful Venusians were a mysterious attraction to the Martians. Their differences especially attracted the Martians Where the Martians were hard, the Venusians were soft. Where the Martians were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way their differences seemed to complement each other.

In an unspoken language the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and strength can bring us great fulfill, filling- a void deep within our being. Together we could find great happiness." This invitation motivated and empowered the Martians.

Many women instinctively understand how to give this message. In the beginning of a relationship, a woman gives a man a brief look that says you could be the one to make me happy. In this subtle way she actually initiates their relationship. This look encourages him to come closer. It empowers him to overcome his fears of having a relationship. Unfortunately, once they are in a relationship and as the problems begin to emerge, she doesn"t know how important that message still is to him and neglects to send it.

The Martians were very motivated by the possibility of making a difference on Venus. The Martian race was moving to a new level of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by just proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others, especially in the service of the Venusians. They were beginning to develop a new philosophy, a win/win philosophy. They wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.

Love Motivates Martians

The Martians began building a fleet of spaceships that would carry them across the heavens to Venus. They had never felt so alive. Through glimpsing the Venusians, they were beginning to have unselfish feelings for the first time in their history.

Similarly, when a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He is suddenly released from the binding chains of being motivated for himself alone and becomes free to give to another, not for personal gain, but out of caring. He experiences his partner"s fulfillment as if it were his own. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy. His struggles become easier. He is energized with a higher purpose.

In his youth he can be satisfied by serving himself alone, but as he matures self-gratification is no longer as satisfying. To experience fulfillment he must begin to live his life motivated by love. Being inspired to give in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of selfgratification devoid of caring for others. Although he still needs to receive love, his greatest need is to give love.

Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesn"t know why he is so depressed.

At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn"t know that he has stopped caring because he doesn"t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.

When a man doesn"t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else"s fife, it is hard for him to continue caring about his fife and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.