适合聊天开场的5个英语故事 自带幽默破冰功能（带音频）
「来源: ｜英语 ID：yingyu9」
↓↓↓点击下方卡片，发现更多精彩↓↓↓
英语口语·吉米老师说
遇到陌生人不知道怎么聊天时，这些幽默故事让你立马左右逢源。
英语·幽默故事
本文来源网络，版权归原作者所有
点上方绿标即可收听音频
◆◆◆
1 Good Fortune, Bad Fortune
第一单元 好运和霉运
A frog goes to have his fortune told.
有只青蛙跑去算命。
The fortuneteller looks at his little webbed palm and says,
算命师看着他小小的有蹼手掌说道：
"Aha! You"re about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you."
“啊哈！你即将遇见一名美丽小姑娘，她想了解关于你的一切。”
The frog says, "Thanks! I"m going to run right back to the pond so I won"t miss her."
青蛙说：“太感谢了！那我得赶紧回池塘去，免得和她错过。”
The fortuneteller says, "You won"t meet her at the pond. You"re going to meet her in her freshman biology class.
算命师说：“你不会在池塘遇到她，而是在她大学一年级的生物课上。”
2 Amazing Pet
第二单元 令人惊讶的宠物
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
有个人走进一家宠物店，跟老板说要买一只万能宠物。
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
店老板建议他买只忠心的狗。
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
那个人回答：“得了吧，狗行吗？”
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
老板说：“那猫怎么样？”
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can"t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
那个人回答：“不行啦！猫当然不会是万能的。我要的是万能宠物！”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I"ve got it! a centipede!"
店老板想了一会儿说道：“有了！就是蜈蚣！”
The man says, "A centipede? I can"t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I"ll try a centipede."
那个人说：“蜈蚣？真难想象蜈蚣会是万能的，不过也好...我就买一条蜈蚣试试看。”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
他把蜈蚣带回家后跟蜈蚣说：“去打扫厨房。”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... It"s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away;
过了三十分钟，他走进厨房一看...居然全部都干干净净的！所有的盘子和银制餐具都洗好、烘干、各归各位；
the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed.
厨具台面也清洁溜溜；每种用具都闪闪发亮；连地板都打了蜡。
He is absolutely amazed.
他看得目瞪口呆、惊愕连连。
He says to the centipede, "go clean the living room."
他跟蜈蚣说：“去打扫客厅。”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted;
过了二十分钟，他走进客厅一看，地毯已用吸尘器吸过；加剧也擦得一尘不染；
the pillows on the sofa plumped; Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I"ve ever seen.
沙发上的枕头也已拍松；植物也浇了水。那个人心想：“我从来没看过这么神奇的事，
This really is a pet that can do everything!"
这真的是一只万能宠物！”
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
接着他跟蜈蚣说：“去街角帮我买份报纸。”
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
蜈蚣于是走出大门。10分钟过去了...蜈蚣还没回来；20分钟过去了...蜈蚣还没回来；30分钟过去了...蜈蚣还是没有回来。
By this point the man is wondering what"s going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there"s the centipede sitting right outside.
那个人开始纳闷到底发生了什么事，于是走到大门打开一看...蜈蚣居然就坐在外面。
The man says, "hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What"s the matter?!"
那个人说：“我不是45分钟前就叫你去街角的商店帮我买份报纸吗？到底是怎么回事？”
The centipede says, "I"m goin"! I"m goin"! I"m just putting on my shoes!"
蜈蚣说：“这就去！这就去！我的鞋子快穿好了！”
3 The Best Thing That Could Ever Happen
第三单元 最棒的事
Three old men were sitting around and talking.
三个老头坐在一起聊天。
The 80-year-old remarked, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee."
八十岁的老头说：“对我来说最棒的事，就是可以好好小个便。”
"I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
“我现在都要站个二十分钟一滴一滴地小便，而且还会痛，得一直跑厕所才行。”
The 85-year-old remarked, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement."
八十五岁的老头说：“对我来说最棒的事，就是可以好好大个便。”
I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it"s still a problem."
“各种可以弄到的泻药我都试过了，还是没什么用。”
Then the 90-year-old remarked, "That"s not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee."
九十岁的老头说：“我都没有这些问题。每天早上六点整，我都会舒服而尽情地小便。”
"At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."
“六点半一到，就会舒服地大便。对我来说最棒的事，就是我能不能在早上七点前醒来。”
4 Good Excuse
第四单元 好借口
There was a middle-aged man who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000.
有个中年男子买了一辆奔驰2000敞篷车。
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
他开车上路，加速到时速80英里，享受着风儿吹过头上那头超短发的快感。
"This is great," he thought and floored it some more.
“好舒服。”他边想边继续加速。
He looked in his rearview mirror and sees a State Patrol behind him.
这时，他从后照镜看到后面有个公路警察。
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
“要把他甩掉还不容易。这个人边想边加速”到100多英里急驰而去。
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I"m too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police officer.
接着他又想说：“我到底在干吗？这把年纪实在不适合做这种事。”于是把车停到路边等警察来。
The officer pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
警察把车停在这辆奔驰后面，走到这个人旁边。
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th." "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I"ve never heard before, I"ll let you go."
“先生，我再过30 分钟就下班了，今天又是13号星期五。如果你可以给我一个我从没听过的超速理由，我就不为难你。”
The man looked back at the State Patrol and remarked, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back!"
这个人看着公路警察说：“上礼拜我老婆和一名公路警察私奔了，我以为你要把她带回来还我呢！”
The State Patrol said, "Have a nice day!"
公路警察说：“祝你今天愉快！”
5 Who"s Got Brains?
第五单元 谁有脑子？
In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
家属全部聚集在医院的等候室，守着他们病重的家人。最后，医生带着疲倦而严峻的面容出现了。
"I"m afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
“恐怕有坏消息要告诉你们。他边说边环视”着众人担忧的脸庞：
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
“到了这个地步，你们亲爱的家人唯一的希望就是进行大脑移植，
It"s an experimental procedure, risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
但这项手术还在实验阶段，风险很大，而且脑袋的钱你们得自行负担。”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
听到这个消息，家属全都静静地坐着。最后有人问道：“那么，一颗脑袋要多少钱？”
The doctor quickly responded, "$2,000 for a female brain, and $5,000 for a male brain."
医生很快回答：“女人的脑袋一颗2000 元，男人的脑袋一颗5000 元。”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
气氛变得很尴尬。等候室的男性家属忍住不笑，避免接触到女性家属的眼神，但还是有些人不太自然地在偷笑。
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
有个女孩控制不了好奇心，大家都想问的问题被她一下子脱口而出："男人的脑袋为什么贵那么多？”
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said,
医生对她的赤子之心报以微笑，接着对全部的人说道：
"It"s a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they"ve been used."
“这是标准的定价方式。我们不得不调降女人脑袋的价格，是因为它们一直都在使用。”
“在看”
，分享给好友吧
编辑| Zuhair
免费送55部英文动画片
吉米老师免费学英语，天天送福利！
吉米老师送你365免费英语口语学习群