刘博士英语原著阅读金星人与火星人002：女性的抱怨与男性的抱怨

【读你所爱，充实你的灵魂，顺便掌握英语】

女性对男性抱怨最多的就是：男性不听女性说话。

而男性对女性抱怨最多的则是：女性总是试图要改变他们。

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don"t listen.

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them.

《男人来自火星，女人来自金星》第2章

【本节导读】

《金星人与火星人》系列是一套非常适合国人阅读和学习的婚姻及情感读物，因为作者Dr. John Gray 所采用的论述方法是我们国人非常习惯的思考方法——类比法/比喻法。如果说这种类比/比喻和我们的传统方式仍有一些差异的话，那就是我们的类比法更倾向于仿生类比，即用我们看到的/熟悉的外部世界来类比我们自己；而这本书所有的类比法则是想象法。但其目的都是用一种大众更通俗易懂的方式来阐述观点。

在这一章的导读中，需要重点解释的情感词汇是Empathy。我们中文有时候翻译成同情，有时候翻译成共鸣。这种“Empathy”在我们的传统中极少论述，甚至是一种相反的同情过程。如果你不相信的话，问自己这样一个问题吧：当我们听到/读到一个陌生人的悲惨遭遇时，我们的直接感受是什么？可怜？同情？你会常常为陌生人的遭遇而流泪吗？

英语中对于“同情”这种情感有两个词汇，一个叫做sympathy，我们在生活中或是在学英语中更常用的是这个词，中文翻译成“同情；赞同；支持；意气相投等”。另外一个词汇叫做Empathy，中文将其翻译成“共鸣；同情；同感”。从中文字面难以区分其细微含义。

在这里，我对Sympathy 和Empathy 在英语中的定义和区别介绍一下：

Sympathy:（ “sharing common feelings)，有同感，同情。通常指一个人能够感受到对方的情绪。这是一种情绪的认知和共同体验。这通常是对他人表面情绪的认知，这种认知会导致你对他人产生可怜，想去安慰他人，目的在于改变对方的情绪或是感觉好一些。

Empathy：（Empathy is understanding ）。是一种对他人情绪/感受的理解。一个人对另一个人产生Empathy通常是因为你有过类似的经历，或是你了解对方的处境。这种Empathy 通常会激发你心中类似的情绪/感受，你会因此与他人建立其一种情感的联系和共鸣。

我来举一个sympathy/Empathy使用场景的例子：

A woman loses a baby in a miscarriage （一个女人因为流产而失去了自己的孩子）：

Your sympathetic response: “That"s terrible news, but on the bright side you know that you can get pregnant again.”

Your Empathetic response: “I know how much you loved him and how hard this must be. I know what it feels like and I"m here for you.”

下面让我们继续阅读学习金星人与火星人系列。请参照早期文章了解刘博士英语突破学习法的过程。

如果对你有帮助，请点个赞并转发一下吧。送人玫瑰，手有余香。

【刘博士中文译文】

金星人和火星人 第2.1节

作为“修理工”的男性和作为“家庭改造委员会”的女性

女性对男性抱怨最多的就是：男性不听女性说话。当女性在说话时，男性要么完全忽视她，要么他会听那么几句，判断一下她有什么烦心事，然后就骄傲地戴上他那顶“修理工”的帽子，给她提出一个解决办法来让她情绪好起来。当女性对这种爱的表示不领情的时候，男性完全不明白怎么回事。不管女性告诉他多少次他没有好好听，男性就是不明白，还老是重复做同样的事情。女性需要的是共鸣（Empathy），而男性却认为她需要的是解决办法。

而男性对女性抱怨最多的则是：女性总是试图要改变他们。当女人爱上男人时，她感觉有责任帮助男人成长，并试图帮他改进做事的方法。女人于是成立了一个家庭改造委员会，而她的男人则成为她的主要改造对象。无论男人多么抗拒女人的帮助，女人却坚持不懈——一旦逮着机会就来帮助男人或告诉他该怎么做。女人认为自己是在培养他，而男人却觉得自己被控制了。其实，男人希望的是女人对自己的接受。

只有首先了解了，为什么男性喜欢给出解决办法和为什么女人总想要改进，才能最终解决这两个难题。让我们假设能够穿越到过去（即回到火星人发现金星人的时候，或是来到地球之前的时候），并观察在火星和金星上人们的生活——我们就能够对男性和女性有一些深刻认识。

我们火星人

火星人看重能力、能干、效率和成就。他们做事情总是为了来证明自己、扩展自己的能力和技能。他们对自我价值的认识是以他们达成目标的能力来衡量的。他们主要通过获得成功和取得成就来体验满足感。

火星上的一切都是这些价值观的反映。甚至连火星人的服装设计也反映着他们的技能和专长。警察、士兵、商人、科学家、出租车司机、技术人员甚至是厨师都穿着制服或至少戴顶帽子，以反映他们的专长和能力。

他们不会去读诸如《当代心理学》、《自我》或《人物》等杂志。他们的注意力更多的是在户外活动上，比如打猎、钓鱼和赛车等。他们对新闻、天气和体育感兴趣，而对于爱情小说和自助类书籍则提不起什么兴趣。

他们更关心的是“东西”和“事物”，而不是人或者感受。即便是在今天的地球上，当女性在畅想着美丽的爱情时时，男性则在畅想着马力更大的汽车、速度更快的电脑、配件、小电器以及更先进的科技。男性迷恋于那些能够通过实现某种结果或是达成某种目标来展示他们力量的“东西”。

达成目标对火星人来说非常重要，因为这种方法是证明自己能力，让自己感觉良好的主要方式。为了让自己自我感觉良好，他必须要独立实现这些目标。他不容许其他人帮他来实现这些目标。火星人以自己独立完成任务而自豪。自主能力是效率、能力和能干的象征。

了解了火星人的这种特性有助于女性明白，为什么男性如此抗拒被人纠正错误或被告知该做什么。未经男性请求，主动给男性提建议，其实就是认为男性不会做事情，或是认为他不能独立完成任务。男性对此是非常敏感的，因为“能干与否”这件事对他们来说简直太重要了。

正是因为火星人要独立处理问题，所以，除非是他真的需要专家建议，他很少与人谈论自己的这些问题。火星人的理由是：“如果我能自己搞定的话，我干嘛还要把别人牵扯进来呢？”除非他需要从他人的帮助来找到解决办法，否则他只会把问题留给自己承担。如果一件事情你能自己独立完成，却还要找人帮忙，这种做法被火星人视为无能的表现。

然而，如果火星人真的需要有人帮忙时，那么能够找到他所需的帮助则是智慧的体现。在这种情况下，他会去找他所敬重的人来探讨他的问题。在火星上，探讨问题就是征求意见的方法。参与探讨的火星人会对有这样的机会而倍感荣幸。他会自动地戴上他的“修理工”的帽子，倾听一会儿有关问题，然后给出一些宝贵的建议。

正因为火星人有这样一个习俗的原因，所以当女性在谈论其问题的时候，男性会本能地去主动提供解决问题的办法。当一个女人只是纯粹在分享她的不愉快感受或是大声地思考着她这一天遇到的问题时，男性会错误地以为女性是在寻求专业建议。他于是戴上了“修理工”的帽子，开始给出建议。这是男性表达爱和给与帮助的方式。

男性想通过解决女性的问题来让女性重新高兴起来。男性想成为一个对女性有用的人。男性觉得，当他有能力能够解决女性的问题时，他的价值就体现出来了，他就能配得上女人对他的爱。

然而，当男性给出了解决办法以后，如果女性还是愁眉不展的话，男性就越来越难以继续听女人说下去了，因为当他觉得自己的解决办法被女性拒绝了，这使他感觉自己很无用。

男性根本不知道，他只需要带着共鸣心和注意力倾听，他就能给与女性支持。他不知道，金星上的人在谈论自己的问题时，并不是为了寻求解决办法。

金星人的生活

金星人则有着不同的价值观念。他们注重爱、沟通、美丽和人际关系。他们花大量时间来相互支持、相互帮助和相互提升。他们对自我价值的认识是通过他们的感受和他们人际关系的质量来定义的。他们通过分享和社交联系来体验满足感。

金星上的一切都反映着这样的价值观。金星人在意的并不是修建高速路和高楼大厦，而是和谐的生活、她的社交圈子，还有彼此关爱的合作。人际关系比工作和科技更加重要。在大多数方面，他们的世界和火星上是恰恰相反的。

他们不像火星人那样穿上制服（用以显示他们的专长）。相反，他们喜欢每天都根据自己的心情穿不同的衣服。个性表达，尤其是和她们心情有关的个性表达，是非常重要的。她们也许还会随着情绪的变化一天换好几套衣服呢。

沟通对金星人来说至关重要重要。分享个人感受比达成目标和成功更重要。交谈和相互联系是她们取得巨大成就感的源泉。

男性们对此是很难理解的。他顶多会将此与自己通过赢得一场比赛、达成目标或是解决问题时所得到的成就感来理解女性通过分享和人际交往所获得的感受。

女性不是以目标为导向的，而是以人际关系为导向的。她们更在意的是表现出自己的善良、爱和关怀来。两个火星人一起去吃饭是为了讨论一个项目或生意目的。他们是去解决一个问题的。不仅如此，火星人认为下馆子是一种高效率的吃饭方式：不用买菜、不用做饭、不用洗碗。而对于金星人来说，在一起吃饭是增进关系的一个机会，既可以给朋友提供支持，也可以从朋友那里获得支持。女性们在餐桌上的谈话可能是无所不谈，无话不谈，几乎可以和发生在心理治疗师和患者之间的对话相比。

在金星上，每个女人都学习心理学，并且至少拥有一个心理咨询的硕士学位。他们积极参与那些有助于充实生活、心理治愈和个人成长的活动，包括个人修养课、精神冥想等活动。在金星上，到处都是公园、有机花园、购物中心和餐馆。

金星人的直觉能力非常强大。这种能力是他们在数个世纪里通过预测他人的需要而发展起来的。金星人以对他人需求和情感无微不至的关心而感到自豪。在金星上，一个至爱的标志就是无需其他金星人的请求便主动向她提供帮助和支持。

正是因为金星人并不把证明自己能干与否看得那么重要，所以主动帮忙不是对他人的冒犯，而需要别人帮助也并非是软弱无能的表现。可是，对于男士来说，他也许就会感到被冒犯了，因为当一名女士为其提供建议时，男士会觉得她不相信自己有完成这件事情的能力。

女性对男性的这种敏感是毫无概念的，因为对女性来说，如果有人愿意帮助她的话，这会让她感到无比荣幸的。这让女性感到自己被人疼爱，被人珍惜。但是，主动向男士提供帮助只会让他感到自己的无能、软弱，甚至是得不到爱的表现。

在金星上，给与建议和意见是关怀她人的体现。金星人坚信，即便某样东西运转正常，它一定还能运转得更好的。金星人的天性就是要让事情变得更好。当她们关心某人时，他们会坦然地指出哪些地方可以有改进，并会给出建议如何进行改进。提供建议和有建设性的批评都是一种爱的表现。

而在火星上就不一样了。火星人是以解决问题为目标导向的。如果某样东西运转正常，他们的座右铭就是“不要变来变去”。他们会本能地认为，如果一切运转正常的话，干嘛要管它呢。“东西没坏的时候，不要去修理它”是他们的一个常用口头禅。

当女性试图改进男性的时候，男士会觉得女性想要修理自己。他得到的反馈就是自己出问题了。女性没有意识到自己因为关心而对男性的帮助有可能会让男性感到羞辱。女性错误地以为自己只是在帮助男性成长而已。

【刘博士音频】

【英文文本】

Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don"t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn"t appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he"s not listening, he doesn"t get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists-waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she"s nurturing him, while he feels he"s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let"s pretend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus –before the planets discovered one another or came to Earth-we can gain some insights into men and women.

WE ON MARS

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.

Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power.

They don"t read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, and racing cars. They are interested in the news, weather, and sports and couldn"t care less about romance novels and self-help books.

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can"t achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.

Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn"t know what to do or that he can"t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.

However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX-It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.

This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

LIFE ON VENUS

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned with living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.

They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.

Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.

This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman"s experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem.

Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women"s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.

On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master"s degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants.

Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.

Because proving one"s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn"t feel she trusts his ability to do it himself.

A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.

On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.

Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don"t change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. "Don"t fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.

When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn"t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.